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November 21, 2008
What could be the biggest movie of the year opens this weekend...its called Twilight, and its based on the first of a series of books (her we go, its Harry Potter all over again) with a vampire in them...we spent a good bit of time, trying to mine the female psyche and figure out why girlies luv vamps so doggone much...me? if I want to see bloodsuckers for two hours, I'll check out the Exxon Mobile shareholders meeting
We talked a good bit about Dark Shadows...a very ambitious and unique vampire soap which ran from 1966-1971...I remember when it first came on...at the time I would watch Another World with my Mom, so I did like some girlie shows, but my Mom and I were both like whaaa?....my sisters loved it...it has been suggested that its not so much the vampire thing ,but the love thing...and this Twilight book is being described as mostly love with just a little blood....kinda like my first date with my second wife
Big state football semi finals tonight...class 7A at Geneva its the Vikings versus the Gators of Crystal Lake South...Geneva has a young man who is about as hard to stop as a school bus...Michael Ratay has gobbled up 2,608 rushing yards (9.3 yards per carry) and scored 41 touchdowns...can he maybe star for the Bears this week?...and don't forget about Saturday's class 4A semi with Richmond Burton hosting Aurora Christian
More bad economic news...1600 people will be laid off by WaMu (they went from Woo Hoo to Bee Hoo)...and the Weather Channel will soon lay off some people...that's really tough because when the Weather Channel lets you go they unleash a hurricane in your cubicle...after you salvage what you can in a box they ask you how you're doing..."well I have felt high pressure for the past several days, but now I see a new low coming on"
November 20, 2008
You heard it here first...there will be a new sports and recreation complex that will bring minor league baseball here, but now we're talking Woodstock...on 250 acres just off Route 14 near Centegra...it will be privately funded and eventually replace the Woodstock fairgrounds as the site of the fair...now you can turn the fairgrounds into a landing strip so the big 3 automaker's CEOs can fly their private jets in and get a lesson about how to get along on private funds
And you thought the Pirates of the Carribean took in a lot of money...Those kooky Somali pirates have now seized 9 vessels in 12 days, including an oil tanker containing $100 million worth of crude...and the world evidently plans to just sit and wait until some guy with an eyepatch and pegleg walks in and sez "arrrrghhh wanna buy some black gold? Texas tea? arrrgh"...I mean a tanker the size of a skyscraper can't be an easy thing to hide can it?...our state department says there's a lot of international laws and stuff and we can't just blast 'em to hell...oh, and this just in...the big three automakers have just been seized by Somali pirates
Martha Stewart and Snoop Dog are homies...who knew?...they text each other and he calls her Boo, which means girlfriend...he was on her show the other day, making cognac mashed potatoes...Martha says they met in the green room on David Letterman and bonded...which I guess means they had the same bail bondsman
No more Crystal Lake Gala...wow...and that event had an imprssive 22 year run...the event got stolen by, you got it, Somali pirates
And...Hitler had only one testicle...according to the British Sun tabloid...records show Hitler suffered a groin injury in WWI...they say his medic, Johan Jambor confessed about the one testicle to a priest, who wrote it down...now I know when Eva Braun stayed up late on New Year's Eve she really WAS waiting for the ball to drop
November 19, 2008
Front page....Northwest Herald...police say a techical director at Aldon Hebron schools offered a 17 year old girl a role in a porn film...he has resigned and been charged with a misdemeanor....superfan and intern Cory chipped in with a story of recently being told as she prepared for a friend of a friend's wedding that the family of the bride made porn out of their home...now that's one wedding where you don't want to do the hokey pokey
Well I finally got rid of the witches and coffins and vampires and hauled out the inflatable turkey...then I dusted off my pilgrim with the fully functional muzzle loader (hope it doesn't blast the kid who brings the paper...again)...seriously, I actually saw somebody with Thanksgiving decorations on their lawn yesterday...I'm actually impressed that someone spends all their time decorating their lawn this time of year...I'm going to guess there are little kids involved somehow here...my Dad would never do anything for any other holiday than Christmas, and we shopped for the tree the Saturday before Christmas, period...and the stuff came down the weekend after New Years, no exceptions...and we were not to leave toys out...toys went in a box in the basement...being allowed to leave toys out under the Christmas tree was like an orgy for us...but I see a lot of households where the kids have basically taken over...my buddy puts his kid in the tub and there's so many toys in there you can't find the drain plug...or the kid for that matter...its like there's toys from the pre cambrian period under pressure from the toys from the jurassic period...its not a tub, its the La Brea tar pits
I'm gonna say this once...THEY WILL NOT LET THE AUTO INDUSTRY FAIL...END OF STORY...if you honestly think they're gonna let the whole auto industry fail and close their doors, you probably are the type of person who watches Macgyver and thinks there's no way he can turn that lipstick into napalm and blow up the bad guys...IT WILL NOT HAPPEN...they will give them a loan...they may merge into one national auto maker, but we will make cars in America...certain businesses cannot fail, they are one...along with railroads (gee they make a big profit don't they) and farmers (2 percent of us are farmers, but this years farm bill was the biggest ever)...if there were like 3 American companies who made houses they'd have their hand out too, because money is tight and people can't get loans...and we'd bail them out...DALE EARNHARDT JR WILL NEVER DRIVE A HYUNDAI AT DARLINGTON...WON'T HAPPEN...but then again he said he'd never change his number...maybe hold off on the Chevy butt tatoo
The Number two guy at Al Quaida, Ayman Al-Zwhahri called Obama some bad things...first, an abeed al-beit, which means house slave...he also called him a black politician who does white people's bidding..the word is...and I hope I'm pronouncing it right...con-do-leee-za
November 18, 2008
This is it...that morning when you see the dusting of snow, feel the 18 degrees on your face, and realize, this is it...winter is basically here and there's nothing you can do about it...it wasn't always that way though...as a kid I loved it...and my Dad always loved it...my Mom put up with it, and I asked her why, why not move someplace warmer?...she said the super cold kept vagrants and panhandlers away...I said well it hasn't driven me away and I'll be here to mooch even after you're gone
A University of Maryland study that took 34 years to complete comes to the conclusion that people who watch a lot of tv are less happy than those who don't...they conclude that people who make love, read, or socialize more are happier...I did a quick phone poll and it came out exactly as i predicted...that I have a very happy, heavy tv watching audience...5 calls...all happy...4 out of 5 watch more than 3 hours tv a day...I would watch more than 3 hours a day if I could and would describe myself as generally unhappy...but not because of tv...the other three things that the survey suggests that happy people do I have a hard time doing....starting with making love, well hello, anyone who's married knows that you can only make love to one person and guaranteed that person is not into it most of the time...on to socializing, well that's pretty much out too if you're married...and then there's reading, which is impossible when the person you're married to has the tv on, because tv is always more interesting than what you're reading...so why blame tv if you can't do the three things that supposedly make people happy?
Andy Griffith update...okay, this is war...credits for all episodes on Monday back to one inch credits at the bottom of the screen...if they think that we the people will be happy with them showing the original credits for like 2 days, and give up, they've obviously underestimated my capacity for suffering...I will continue to press for an official statement and proceed, if necessary, to the agencies of the various sponsors...stay tuned
The guy who did the Borat movie has a new movie with a gay guy named Bruno who crashes various events and makes people uncomfortable...he recently crashed a filming of NBC's "Medium"...he also crashed my show a few hours ago...I THOUGHT newsman Stew was acting a little more flamboyantly gay than usual
November 17, 2008
A new Beatle Song for Christmas?...Paul said in a BBC interview that he wants to release an experiemental, avant garde Beatle song they recorded back in 1967...its called Carnival of Light, and he would need permission from Ringo, Olivia and Yoko...its 14 minutes long and I'm guessing its something on the order of Revolution #9 from the White Album...its described as having a church organ and people screaming...throw in two people who live together who hate each other and NBC will add it to its Tuesday night line up
Bill Murray was in town over the weekend, and was spotted having dinner with the current Miss USA...she's the one who fell down if you'll recall...in the event she is unable to perform her duties the runner up will fall down for her...I think newly divorced Bill is going for the arm candy in hopes of attracting more...I'm glad I'm past the stage of needing the arm candy...andyway, all I could get now is old fashioned arm candy...like horehound
No more Mr. Nice Gay...that's what we hear from the gay community after several "gay marriage" ballot issues failed...big angry protests in town this weekend, and also in other major cities...my one good friend who is gay and i talk about this all the time, and I tell him that this is one you're never gonna win with the churches because the biblical wording is pretty plain against gayness...so while I'm not trying to get rid of you guys, I think you might do well to move somewhere and establish a homeland the way other groups who felt religous persecution did....take the Puritans (Massachusetts), Quakers (Pennsylvania), Mormons (Utah)...I was thinking maybe Virgin Islands?...look, you guys already have a flag, you just need a place to plant it...and maybe that flag should feature a piece of prociutto and a couple of melonballs
A group of Pirates now has control of a Saudi oil tanker...beware of ads offering big ammounts of oil for just a few dubloons
November 14, 2008
Okay, now I think the RV Land people are just messin' with me...after having seen them return the original credit sequence the previous two nights (half screen most of the way, but not speeded up) after the 6:30p episode, last night's 6:39p episode was followed by something bizarre that i had not seen before that was even worse than shrinking the credits to the bottom...they went half screen with the new black and white font and ran them really fast until in the last 5 seconds they went full screen, but almost totally black with only "The Andy Griffith Show" in white letters followed by a quick flash of the small Desilu logo and the Paramount logo...now what is the point of that? and still no statement from their spokesperson...what will I see on Monday night?...I'm expecting them to photoshop Andy and Opie fgving me the finger
Here's a must see...The Worst Album Covers of All Time...Bell y Laffs ahead guaranteed...just go back to my Morning Drive page...its right below the blog...and thank you Glenn for sending me those
Mexico City will now provide free Viagra for healthy men over 70...great, now you've got 70 plus Mexican women breaking down the border wall
A Nebraska law designed to provide safe haven for abandoned babies was badly written, and included no age limit...so now as legislators rush to chane it, there's bee a rush of people abandoning their teenagers..just tell you teen you're taking them to the mall and lure them into the van with a little Kanye West and you're good...Michael Jackson has announced plans to run for Nebraska Governor
A 56 year old woman accused of dirty dancing in a community center received a $240,000 settlement from a tiny North Carolina town which had banned her from the center...their insurance company said pay her even though its pretty clear she would have lost....nobody puts granny in a corner
November 13, 2008
Well Andy Griffith fans, we may have not won just yet...two nights ago I saw them run the complete Andy Griffith credits after the 6:30 episode...last night they did the same thing for the 6:30 episode; comple credits, totally readable and not speeded up, never smaller than half the screen...but for the episodes at 5:30 and 6:00 they did the same old thing; one inch at the bottom, different font, and so fast you can't read them...I'm still waiting on that official statement from TV Land that they said would come via e-mail...I'm going to call them later today...stay tuned
Also on the Andy front, I've been having fun with caller after caller this morning who congratulated me on winning a Country Music Association award last night for the Brad Paisley video, the one that starred Andy Griffith...as you might have guessed, the winning director of that video, Jim Shea, is a whole other guy...I learned about this guy years ago when I worked in country radio...I'd introduce myself at a convention and people would say, "oh, I loved that John Anderson video you did" and of course I would clear up the confusion...unless of course it was a hot, drunk woman...seriously, Andy Griffith did call me in June (after we had him on the air in May) and told me he had shot a video with Brad Paisley, and I reported that on the show, before it was released and certainly before any other media outlet had that information...but that's as close as I get to a CMA award
I may have to re-think my fascination with American Idol...they may have claimed their first life...Paula Goodspeed, a reject from the 2006 season, a mega Paula Abdul fan who dressed like her, but had a geeky stage presence and a shrill voice, was found dead in a car outside Paula's home...I went back and watched her reject clip from the show and I must say they were especially cruel to her...if its a case of words hurting someone so badly that they took their own life, then like I said, I may have to re-think devoting so much time and attention to this show...I feel like our voyeuristic thrill at watching someone cruelly dismissed assigns us some kind of "who killed Cock Robin?" guilt... I only rip celebs and politicians, who can take it...and I've never been a fan of Paula Abdul's looks by the way...if not for waxing, she would have a long flowing beard...I mean put a pill box hat on her and she's Bin Laden...hah! how does it feel Paula?
November 12, 2008
Hey Andy Griffith fans..we may have won!...quick update..as you know Andy Griffith appeard on the show back in May after he wholeheartedly agreed with me that it was totally unfair that TV Land had shrunk his end credits...we collected signatures on a petition all summer at the website...in September I called Viacom and got connected to someone in the TV Land press department, Rachel Sandler...she heard my whole story and said that foing forward, the reality shows would be a part of the TV Land business model...but she said she would talk to the powers that be about the possibility of bestowing some sort of Hall of Fame status to Andy's show, honoring it by showing the complete credit sequence...several weeks and unreturned calls later, I spoke with Rachel yesterday...she said that statement was coming from TV Land management in the form of an e-mail, which I still have not received, but last night I saw that they ACTUAL:LY AIRED THE CREDITS...WE MAY HAVE WON THIS THING...stay tuned
The Village Roadshow Gold Class Cinemas open tonight in South Barrington...you get recliner seating and a waitress to bring you booze and gourmet food as you watch the movie, and the tickets range from $22-$32...now all they have to do is up the ticket price to $99, tie a rope around the building and have a helicopter fly it to Detroit and you've fixed the airline industry
Sarah Palin is the official unofficial front runner for the GOP nod in 2012, for what its worth...I tend to think that the person who eventually gets it is a person we don't even know right now...you'll notice they're not even mentioning Rudy Giulliani anymore, thanks to his two drag appearances, one on SNL...on the bright side, he's made the RNC an offer on that $150,000 Palin wardrobe
November 11, 2008
Happy Veteran's Day, which started as Armistice Day...to commemorate the end of WW1...which by the way ended 90 years ago today...I read about a guy in Michigan who's spedning all his time and money, chasing all all over the globe to photgraph the last surviving veterans of that "Great War"...there are only 10 left in the world, and only one who fought for the USA...he's 107 years old and his name is Frank Buckles...he still gets around pretty well and actually went to Washington earlier this year to lobby for a national WW1 monument...I've often thought of giving him a call some morning, but those phone interviews with the older folks don't always turn out as touching as you think they will..."so Mr. Buckles, you fought in World War One we hear.."..."Yep it sure is hot in here"
Michael Sneed writes in the Sun Times that Bill Cosby has not yet received an invitation to the innauguration...wow, I hop[e that's not intentional...superfan and intern Cory cracked me up with her Cosy impression, which sounded exactly like Louie Armstrong for Jello pudding pops
MIriam Makiba aka Mother Africa, who sang the 60s hit Pata Pata, collapsed on stage Sunday night in Italy and died shortly therafter...this made us recall various entertainers who died in the line of duty, or shortly after performing...John Ritter, Steve Irwin, Tiny Tim, Red Foxx and Albert Brook's father (who died at the Friar's club while roasting Lucy and Desi) came up...in a romantic way, I've alwyas kind of wished I could die doing a radio show...superfan and intern Cory, who does karaoke said she nearly died at work when the drunk frat boys tried to sing Love Shack...and it would have been suicide
Bill Zwecker writes in the Sun Times that A-Rod is quite the poet, and although he didn't have any actual verse that he wrote to Madonna, I was able to get my hands on some..."Your ruby red lips are made to please, too bad your breast reach down to your knees"
November 10, 2008
President Bush welcomes Barack Obama to the White House today...and let's hope it goes a little better than their first meeting, which was described in Obama's book, "The Audacity of Hope"...at that meeting President Bush called him over as he was meeting all the newly elected Senators after the 2002 election...he shook his hand and then turned to an aide for a big dollop of hand sanitizer...was that rude?...I try to avoid shaking hands, during cold season especially, and definately prefer "the knuck", where you pump fists...if Bush had done the knuck it would have been like "my brotha!"...I just think he could have waited a bit before applying the hand sanitizer, just as a matter of manners...like when I interviewed Paris Hilton...I wanted to go with the full body condom, but that would have been rude
The Stick is one of this year's inductees to the Toy Hall of Fame in rochester...The Stick joins The Cardboard Box and other generic playthings, alongside Slinky, Viewmaster, Barbie and other tradmarked products...The Stick cannot compete in sales here, but Eyes Poked Out lifetime is one pretty impressive stat
Congrats to Janice Sampson of S. Elgin, winner of the SW Travel (in Cary) Y103.9 YLD Weekend Getaway contest to Las Vegas...I reminded Janice that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas...which can be a drawback...there was that time I went to Vegas, got a male enhancement, and had to leave it there
Now about that Bears loss to Tennessee...it was Rex...plain and simple...he's the king of deciding in 1.5 seconds that a play is doomed and chucking the ball out of bounds...but Bears fans remain somewhat polite to him, which is nice, considering Philly fans booed Biden at the Eagles game yesterday...booing Biden? He hasn't even taken the job yet!...what if the Eagles had Rex?...firing squad I suppose
November 7, 2008
The Italian Prime Minister, while talking to the Russian President said something like, " you'll like obama, he's young, handsome and suntanned"...a rather dopey joke that would not play in America...tha'ts simply not how we roll...of course he didn't do the ultimate racial insult...the mistaken identitiy..."...congratulations Mr. President elect on finding time for politics while dominating the PGA Tour"
The economy is Sleepy and Disney is Grumpy...hard times are hitting the entire Disney universe, prompting great deals for you and loss of jobs...they have already eliminated the entire 2-D animation department...like our company was going to fire all the low def people and i was like no, wiat, I'm a low def person...in fact I'm a near deaf person
The Bush's dog Barney bit some reporter yesterday....Fox News is so impressed they've offered him Bill O' Reilley's job
Al Franken is two hundred some votes short of a Senate seat in Minnesota...the recount may take 'til December...it just makes you realize how many votes get "lost" in any election...like when I asked 7 Eleven for that Kucinich coffe cup...they didn't count that one
Novemeber 6, 2008
The Tribune is printing extra copies of yesterday's paper with the full page Obama pic...you'll find bales and bales of them this morning at Seven Eleven...before you decide to buy a bale and have that replace your 401k, be aware that this may not be such a hot item on down the road due to the sheer number of copies available...my friend in Cleveland who deals in collectibles would often go to estate sales where he would be greeted with enthusiastic people holding the Cleveland Plain Dealer with the banner headline KENNEDY ASASSINATED JOHNSON TAKES OATH...thinking this would be worth a lot of money...but because EVERYBODY saved that very paper, they were basically worth cabbage...there was, however an early Tribune edition that wold out rather quickly Wednesday morning that has a pic of him at the rally...now that one might have some collectible cache...and there's one other thing that makes it valuable...there's a pic of Joe the Plumber actually working...eeeeeeooooo
Mild Euphoria followed by stock market disaster...so the Dow lost 400 some points yesterday and the Drudge Report headline pinned it (predictably) on fear of Obama...funny, they refer to Wall Street, as if its a guy with human emotions...who is this guy Wall Street and can I witch slap him?...yesterday they said Wall Street was nervous about rising unemployment figures...well don't tell him! duh!
A female passenger on a inbound flight to O' Hare was drunk and abusive and had to be duct taped to her seat...she was then taken to Guantanamo Bay and fed tiny bags of peanuts and tiny bottles of Scotch
As you may have heard in the Obama vicoty speech the family lacks a dog...so they're now on the hunt for a puppy...who said a Malamute named Sarah?...that was just plain ol' mean
November 5, 2008
So I waltz into the polls yesterday at about 2:10p...mind you, I don't believe I've ever seen anyone under the age of 78 in my polling place at that time of day...the parking lot is full (school is in session so you had the teacher cars there, but still, a nice crowd)...pulling in behind me is a van with a noisy muffler and noisier hip hop music...out steps a 20 something African American gentleman with a backward ball cap and jeans down to his knees...I then have this delightful moment of future shock, realizing that the times truly are a changin'
Monday when we did our informal phone poll....40 calls from 8 different counties, 25 (62.5%) for Obama, 15 (37.5%) for McCain, I knew Obama had a chance to take even McHenry County...he did: 51%-45% (he also took Kane 51%-46%)...but what I never dreamed was that our phone poll was nearly the mirror image of his statewide win...Obama 61%, McCain 38 %...I saw many a yard sign saying Democrat for McCain, but in reality it was Republicans who quietly voted for Obama without advertising it on their lawn...which all goes to show you I might occasionally have my finger on something other than my butt
The Farrelly Brothers plan to do a Three Stooges movie...first reaction? ouch...but wait, it gets worse...this will not be a biopic, this will not be a remake, this will be the Three Stooges, recast in the modern day...arrrrrgh...they will go around to various cities in search of an unknown Curly....whaaaa?...well my next thought is that uyou must have Jack Black as Moe...um, no...the short list for Moe is Russell Crowe and Mel Gibson....okay, now you're just messing with me right?...no they're actually thing mel for Moe...beautiful, you've got Mel Gibson witch slappin' a couple of Jewish guys....and this could get really awkward if they cast Richard Simmons as Gay Joe
And did I hear Oprah might actually be Ambassador to England under Obama?...Jolly good shizzo old bean!
One more election thing then I'm done, I promise...flashback to a discussion I had last summer with traffic reporter Anna about John McCain's admission that he barely uses e-mail and me saying that i thought this would hurt him with younger voters...the numbers don't lie...two out of every three voters under 30 chose Obama...and new technology made that connection, from fundraising to organizing to spreading information...how can a young person see their future in a guy who appears stuck in a past they can't even imagine with no cell phones, no internet, no Blackberry...and all great presidents embrace new technology...the transcontinental telegraph was built during Abraham Lincoln's administration with his full support...until then, you had the Pony Express, which was great, until the horse raised his tail and left an "instant message"
November 4, 2008
The entire show this morning was devoted to your phone calls describing your early morning voting experiences...and in several places, the hype about record turnouts turned out to be for real...In Huntley, Gilberts, Crystal Lake (where superfan and intern Cory saw a line of 50 people out the door with her own eyes), Algonquin and South Elgin there were reports of 6am lines of 50 to 100 people...other places like Cary, Lake in the Hills, Belvedere and Woodstock saw anywhere from normal to slightly above average early morning turnout according to you guys calling in...I'm used to seeing the people at the polls playing paper football to pass the time when I go in the middle of the day...from a selfish point of view, I hope I get the usual tumbleweed scenario, but probably not today
Many people are seeing the electronic voting machines for the first time...my Mom used one of those for the first time a few years ago in Ohio...she brought her bucket to catch the quarters coming out of the bottom...I was like, No Mom...
Three states to watch today...Georgia, Virginia, and Indiana...even if they go to McCain, but narrowly, it might indicate a groundswell for Obama that could sweep Ohio PA and Florida his way...and I tell ya, if things don't do his way, he's going to have the biggest loser rally of all time
And sincerest sympathies to Senator Obama on the loss of his grandmother yesterday...what timing...and to show you what conspiracy theorists we've become, intern and superfan Cory and i both had the same sneaky thought...that some campagin honcho planned it...and then wer'e like, wait a minute, its a woman's death! get a grip, man!...still I imagine that at some point today, some talking head on Fox News Channel will be sneering at the dead Grandma bounce..."okay, so all of America has taken a drink of the dead Grandma Kool Aid, but you know what's really dead? Obama's tax policies..."
I know you're looking forward to tomorrow, when you won't be bombarded by commercials about how we CAN'T AFFORD the other guy...but they've been such a bonanza for the radio station that we plan to just keep on running them...we can't afford to stop running them
I saw an item in the Sun Times this morning about life coaches...I could probably use one...so far it looks like my life's been coached by Dick Jauron
November 3, 2008
I thought these political robo-calls were a myth...but no...Saturday Sarah Palin calls me twice at home to say we can't afford Obama and when the phone rings again i say watch, its Joe Biden...and it is!...its Joe calling to say that we can't afford McCain...good thing they don't have my cell because i'd be paying for the incoming calls...I can't afford Palin OR Biden
We did our usual listener phone poll this morning and it blew me away...we ask only your county and your candidate...we took calls for just a few minutes in the 6a hour and then again in the 7a hour...8 different counties were represented...and Obama outperformed the national polls...final tote: Obama 25 McCain 15...considering that we are in the Chicago "collar counties", a traditionally GOP area. I thought it would be much closer...based on that, i'd have to say that talk of an Obama rout might be for real
Golfer John Daly spent the night in a North Carolina jail after appearing intoxicated following a night at Hooters...he claims he wasn't as drunk as he appeared to be, and sleeps with his eyes open when stressed out...the police took custody under a NC law that states you must give assistance to someone who appears intoxicated...under the law, if you see someone dreaming with his eyes open about drinking the world's biggest Margarita, it is your obligation to wipe the salt off the toilet seat and wake them up
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